How's Your Mental Map?
By Tom Henry, LPC, LAC

"As a man thinketh, so is he." We are unique in the inner life of the mind – what we think, how we perceive situations, determines how we act. Far from being passive victims of the forces around us, we act on the world based on how we view what is happening. The results of our thoughts flow through our fingers and our tongues and influence the external world in various ways.

Yes, we have a mind, and our mind tells us about reality, as a map tells us about geography. Contrary to what we may take for granted, our internal "map" and external reality are not one and the same. Our mind map is the lens for all that we perceive and is the basis for our decisions and values. We make choices on the basis our maps more than we may realize, sometimes with unfortunate results. Our internal perceptions are sometimes irrational or overly negative, while at other times we may overlook obvious danger signs, and foolishly trust when we shouldn't. Even so, we generally believe our internal perceptions are ultimate truth. Much of the personal drama we experience is a result of our mind maps. Our maps tell us what to fear, what will hurt, what rules to live by, who we can trust, and how we are to judge ourselves and the world.

Most of us catch our beliefs and presuppositions from our family and the surrounding society the way a child catches the measles. However, at some point, it is important to realize that our beliefs should be chosen after careful consideration from as many alternative perceptions as possible. The closer our map matches reality, the more functionally we will conduct ourselves. To deal effectively with what goes on around us, we need a clear view of the landscape. Our decisions and actions need to be based on "what is" rather than on a belief that we have snagged from childhood.

Let's say that I choose to go on vacation – to San Diego. I choose San Diego because it has everything- the beach, the mountains, the desert, and Tijuana. It has the original Seaworld! I could even rent a sailboat and sail to Catalina Island. So I take off for San Diego following my map. After several hours (or even days) of driving, I see a sign. The sign says, " Seattle – 100 miles." "Wait," I say, " Seattle is way up the coast, hundreds of miles north from San Diego! I should be close to San Diego!" So, I check my map, and sure enough, my map tells me that I'm not 100 miles from Seattle, but about 100 miles from San Diego. So I keep going - following my map. Pretty soon, I arrive in Seattle, and it's rainy, cold and drizzly. It's dark and damp - it smells like fish and Starbucks Coffee. So I say to myself, "This is one heck of a screwed up world! I'm supposed to be in San Diego!" But it is not that the world was wrong. My map was wrong!

And that is the way it goes for many people - they end up in a place they never meant to be by making decisions based on distorted beliefs and presuppositions. Some even end up in Kansas City!

An example of how this works in relationships. Margie was married to Ted. They were having difficulty communicating. They argued often and their fights turned to bitter statements that left each quite wounded. In therapy, they gradually got in touch with some of the assumptions and distortions they were making about themselves and each other. They thought that they knew each other, but in reality they had mistaken and negative beliefs about the other's motives and intentions. They practiced being clearer with what they really wanted to say, and they practiced listening to what the other was really saying, instead of interpreting bad intent. In one session, the light went on for Mary when she realized that she did not have to be responsible for one of Ted's concerns. She also realized that Ted was taking responsibility for this matter. She found herself relieved, and freed from her need to control him. Soon, they were resolving issues on their own.

They discovered that their relationship had been enriched by the increased trust in themselves and each other that resulted from challenging their own mind maps, and listening carefully to each other's hearts.