Making the Most of Couples Therapy
By Charles Wallace, LMFT

Congratulations! You’ve made a courageous step – entering couples therapy. Most couples are not that brave, even when deeply troubled. You are probably feeling angry and hurt by your partner. You may be worried about whether your relationship has a chance at happiness. This is a brave step, and I respect your courage and your commitment to creating the relationship you hope for.

Looking for Change

Couples often ask me what they can do to help them make the changes they want. My first advice would be to begin looking carefully. The changes you want may already have begun. You are probably already too familiar with the negative patterns of conflict, isolation, and perhaps even cruelty in your relationship when things are at their worst.

But something has already started to change with the two of you. Whether out of desperation or hope, you have both agreed to consult with a professional, which shows you are both wanting change, and willing to spend time, money and effort towards it.

Chances are some of these positive changes have already begun. They may be small, and you may have to look carefully to find them. But be aware and notice when these small changes occur. Reward your partner with a compliment, a touch, a hug or kiss, when you notice their efforts at improvement. Be kind to yourself, also, as you struggle to be more understanding and compassionate with your partner. This is hard work!!

The first changes you notice may be as small as an unexpected smile, or a call home to apologize for being late. Or it may be more noticeable, such as a fight that would normally escalate for days, but quickly deescalates when one partner says, “It’s not worth it. Let’s cool down and talk about it later.”

Almost all change begins with small, baby steps. Look for it. Reward it. Be encouraged!

Look to your partner – Here are some suggestions for helping your partner change:

• Remember you partner’s positive qualities – You’re a reasonably smart person. Why did you chose to be with this person? What was it you loved about them? When was the last time you told them how much you appreciate their kindness, humor, hard labor, dependability, beauty, intelligence, wit? Notice these qualities again and point them out frequently. It’s money in the relational bank.
  
• Know your partner – Do you know what your partner enjoys and dislikes? Do you ask about their daily joys and frustrations at home or work? Do you ever talk together about what you are hoping for, or what you are worried about? Take the time daily to stay in touch. Many couples do this on arriving home, or at dinner, or just before bed. Make a ritual of catching up with each other’s lives. You will both feel cared for and wanted if you do.
  
• Make it easy for your partner to change – Choose a time when you are both doing well together. Ask for what you want in a kind and respectful way, hear your partner’s feedback, adjust your request to take their perspective into account. Thank them when they cooperate even a little.
  
• Hear what your partner is saying – For a few minutes, set you own perspective aside. Listen and try to get a window on how your partner sees the world. You don’t have to agree, but keep your opinion to yourself. What is the kernel of truth in what they are saying to you? Why is this issue important to your partner? Many times the issue is not so much who carries out the trash, as whether your partner feels heard, valued and respected. We yell and become nasty when we feel unheard. The simple (and difficult) act of listening can create major change in your relationship.
  
  
  Look to yourself – Ask yourself some probing questions.
  
  
  
• Am I any fun to live with? What can I do to make living with me more enjoyable and less annoying?
• Is my attitude warm and positive? Do I invite connection? Or am I buried in grudge, self-righteousness, power-plays, or getting even?
• Am I available? Am I physically and emotionally present? Or am I abandoning my relationship in favor of work, outside interests, friends?
• Are my expectations of my partner fair and reasonable? Would I enjoy living up to these rules and expectations if roles were reversed
• Am I trustworthy? Can my partner count on me doing what I promise? Do I tell the truth, or lie and minimize problems?
• Am I responsible? Do I hold up my end of the bargain? Am I copping out through inaction, forgetting, hiding from obvious problems, using substances?
• Am I acting out my family of origins patterns in the relationship? Did I enjoy living with these patterns as a child? Do I want to keep them or trade them in for something new?
• When you begin to focus on your part of the problem and solution, things will change.
• Be forgiving of your self and your partner when you fall back into old ways. It’s a natural learning curve.

Look to your Relationship

• Prioritize your relationship. Invest time and energy and money. Have a regular “date night”. Do a vacation together, even if just for a weekend. Walk the dog together. Have a family meeting. Go to Dairy Queen. Share a cup of coffee in the morning.
  
• Create a picture of the relationship you want. Do you know an ideal couple – your mom and dad? Aunt and Uncle? Friends at work or church? Talk to them. Have a discussion with your partner about your hopes and dreams for the two of you. Take some steps in this direction that you can agree on.
  
• Take a close look at your daily life together. Consider keeping a small log, or diary. When you have a good or bad day, notice what was going on. What would a video camera in your home have seen? What were each of you doing, thinking? How were you talking to yourself about things? How did each of you influence or create this particular day?
  Avoid Blowout Arguments at Home – Use Timeouts Whether an argument will be constructive or destructive is determined in the first 3 minutes of conversation. If either partner is becoming highly emotionally aroused, if the discussion turns insulting or intimidating, it will NOT get better.
  
• Do yourselves a favor and say, “Honey, I’m getting upset, and this discussion is not going to help us now. I’m afraid I’ll say things I’ll regret later. I want to take a walk (go bowling…read a book…garden) for a while and calm down. I really want to talk later this evening (tomorrow morning) when I’ve calmed down.”
  
• If you discuss this timeout plan with your partner before you have a problem, your partner will realize you intend to deal with the issue when you are calmer, and that your delay is because you care for them.
  
• It’s usually best to save the Big issue discussions for your therapy session.