Listening
By Tom Henry, LPC, LAC

Probably the most common issue I hear about when couples come to me in therapy is "communication." "We have trouble communicating." In many ways this is not, but still is the main issue. What I mean by that is people come to therapy at an impasse. They're stuck. On one level they seem to be communicating very clearly, and often adamantly, what they do not like in the relationship, usually in the other person. Yet on another level their intents and wishes get garbled and twisted.

Alert to people's dialogues and non verbal cues, I encourage folks to discover new ways of relating using their strengths and to practice these ways for lasting change. My goal is to go beyond helping people resolve their current crisis and help set them on a path that enhances the meaning and quality of their lives and connects them more deeply to their values, loved ones, and community.

One of the 1st steps I emphasize is encouraging couples to let go of their defensiveness and blame to listen to their partner. Communication is not just telling the other what you want or don't want. Communication is a circle of relatedness made up of messages, filters and feedback loop all interacting seamlessly in a stream of words, gestures, body language and attitudes. This process can get complicated fairly quickly and couples get lost, straying from what is really important to them, and finding that they are "dug in" their respective foxholes or walking on eggshells around each other. The most important and difficult part of this process is listening – actively listening and feeding back to the other person what you are hearing from them. All humans have a deep need to feel valuable and important, and we can help them by listening. It is the foundation of intimacy.

Try an experiment: Make your next encounter with your partner an exercise in really hearing what they are saying. It doesn't have to be about a problem in the relationship. It could be just a conversation about what kind of day they had. Listen. Don't interrupt. Don't say, "I understand." Instead, tell your partner what you understand about what they are saying. Avoid words like "but," and "however." Focus your gaze on their face and body language – don't let your eyes wander elsewhere while they are talking. Show that you are paying attention by asking intelligent questions. Move the conversation forward and require your partner to talk.

Your only aim is to allow the other person to feel that he or she is important. If you can do that, who knows what you can discover. You may find out hidden interests or gifts in the other that you didn't know before that you genuinely relate with. Although you may feel like dunce backed up on your heels as you focus on the other person, you may notice that the more you let go of your need to shine, the more you may shine in the other person's eyes.