Couples Counseling - Why Bother?

By Charles Wallace, LMFT

 What beats being in love? And what feels worse than being in combat with your lover? No one knows how to push your buttons better than the one person you have trusted with your story - your fears, wishes and hopes. Your closest friend can be your deadliest enemy, sometimes by simply withdrawing their affection, validation, or connection.

 Many of the calls we receive for counseling assistance are the direct result of a recent partner "meltdown". And two sorts of calls are very common. The most common is from a desperate partner in pain who wants to save the relationship. This person, most often the female partner, wants outside help to mediate the couple problems. She is ready to make an appointment, but often states "I have to talk to my husband/boyfriend first." About one in three or four call back.

 The second common call is from the other partner, most often the male, and usually several years later in relationship. That call goes something like this. "I want to set up a counseling appointment immediately, today if possible. My wife/girlfriend and I just separated after a big fight. She says she is finished with the relationship."

 Sometimes the gender roles are reversed, but the essence of the calls is the same. The first call comes earlier in the relationship, and often a couple coming in at that point finds counseling to be a positive, successful, and sometimes even enjoyable experience. They find that their problems are similar to many other couples, and that solutions are readily available. In many cases, they rediscover respect and friendship, and reawaken the romance and intimacy of their early times together.

 

 The second call can also sometimes result in a positive outcome, but the trail is much more difficult. Counseling begins after years of conflict or isolation, when one partner already feels hopeless, defeated and ready to leave. Both partners have inflicted and received a great deal of emotional damage. Couples are generally polarized on major issues, and may have aligned children, family members and friends into opposing camps.

 It is much more difficult for the couple in this situation to rebuild the trust, respect, warmth, friendship and intimacy that they desire.

 What makes Couples Counseling such a frightening prospect that we delay it until the last possible moment? What goes through our minds as we think about relationship counseling?

 Here are some of my guesses based on couples I have known.

 "It would be embarrassing to air my dirty laundry – to talk about the things I might have done wrong, and to have my partner attacking me in front of a third party."

 "I don't want to be seen as the bad guy in the relationship. I can't speak as eloquently, or forcefully as my partner, and I'll just get raked over the coals."

 "We've had these arguments a hundred times and it never goes anywhere. Why should I pay money to go through these painful arguments again?"

 "My spouse will never change. Why should I bother? I've tried everything."

 "I've tried to change, and I can't. I just keep repeating the same mistakes. I may as well give up."

 "Maybe the problems will just go away."

 "I can survive in a bad relationship. I've done it so far."

 With these expectations, why would anyone want to try counseling? Let me offer a different perspective of what couples counseling might be like, based on real life experience - hundreds of hours of couple sessions.

 You should expect to meet with someone who is curious and genuinely interested in both of you as individuals. A skilled counselor will help you recall and expand on those times when your relationship has worked well. What was it that attracted you to each other in the first place, and what has kept you together even through your difficulties? How have you managed to overcome conflicts and problems in the past?

 Your counselor can also help you explore the difficulties in your relationship. They can understand each of your positions, without taking sides. Your counselor can help you identify the unmet needs, and the fears and resentments that sabotage your relationship. They can help you understand and observe the negative, repetitive cycles that cause you both so much pain. And a good counselor can help you change that negative pattern in session as it is occurring, and help you plan how to change those patterns at home. 

 Couples counseling is not always an easy process. It can be exhausting and frightening to challenge your known, and painful, ways of being with each other. It takes courage to recognize how you each have contributed to problems, and it requires effort and integrity to recommit to a more healthy and loving relationship. And the reward for this courage and commitment will be growth, and a blossoming of the respect, friendship, humor, and love that brought you together initially.