Anger
by Ed Chase, LPC, CACII
The emotional experience of anger can be different to different people.
Most people would define anger as being “out of control”. This experience of being out of control can be frightening
or intimidating to those close to us. Thus, anger is viewed as a negative experience or a destructive behavior, which can
lead to trouble. Anger can also be a positive experience for us and others around us, if we learn to communicate about what
is bothering us in a way that is both respectful and assertive. Then we have the chance to resolve a situation, instead of
simply exploding and making things worse.
The treatment of anger control problems begins by identifying those situations
that trigger us emotionally. Often these triggers occur with those we love the most, because we trust them and are most vulnerable
with them. After we become aware that we have been “triggered”, we can then slow down our reactions and begin
to look at the thoughts that begin automatically playing in our mind – the thoughts that lead to our feeling endangered,
threatened or attacked. These thoughts often have an underlying theme, such as feeling another is disappointed in us, our
feeling disappointed by them, or thinking we should be entitled to more. Allowing these thoughts to build, without challenging
them, can lead to an “out of control” explosion of anger.
Sometimes, though, we deal with anger by pushing it down with guilt.
We may have learned from role models in our family growing up that anger is dangerous and never acceptable. The trouble with
never allowing anger is that sometimes our rights and legitimate desires are violated by others. If we cannot express anger
appropriately in these situations, then we are likely to become depressed or passive-aggressive, making others feel our anger
in indirect ways, such as not living up to commitments, or by critical humor.
The goal often is to eliminate the out of control or passive behaviors, and still be able to stand up for ourselves appropriately. By becoming aware of our triggers, our automatic thoughts, and choosing our reactions, we can cease causing problems in relationships, and solve them instead.
